I don’t know how others feel, but sometimes I feel discouraged when it looks like I am unfavoured by the great God above. Like the impact I am making is so little, almost like the great stories of others ministry discourage rather then encourage. It’s a ploy of the enemy, he seeks to twist all things and entice us to pride and jealousy, and ineffectiveness for Gods kingdoms. The following poem happened one night as I wrestled with discouragement and jealousy in my heart.
I don’t condone all the thoughts I had, they are not all Biblical, but it’s what I felt in the raw, and it ended up on the page. In the end though, as always, God graciously led me back to his truth.
Why is it never me?
Why is it always another?
Why give me hope I can see,
Only to once again smother?!
Not seen, not noticed, not wanted,
Not making any difference at all.
Some destined to succeed when planted.
Am I merely destined to crawl?
Longing to your throne to bring glory
As you rule in the heavenly realms.
Yet only producing small stories
Mostly feeling, I underwhelm.
Unimportant I’m crushed once more;
Nothing I do is impressive.
My spirit broke down on the floor,
‘You suck‘ I get the message.
You called me so clearly to light,
Yet the flame it burns so small.
Why is my contribution so slight,
While others so great when you call?
I am wrong, I am wrong, I am wrong!
Not needed not cared for not liked!
The voices they echo this song,
As I toss and I turn in the night.
Nobody cares, no not really
They all merely put up with you;
You must know they think you silly,
When crawling you think that you flew!
Yet a voice over all this now rises
Encouraging gives courage once more.
Don’t you see that the serpent despises
The plans I have set up for you?
You’re royal, claimed, you are mine!
Don’t bend your ear to a lie.
All will become known in time.
Crawling after me IS how you fly!
Repent now dear child, and don’t look,
What I do in the life of another.
For you do not read that whole book; Don’t envy your sister or brother!
I cry, I am sorry once more
Not to have trusted you Lord above all;
Thank you that I once again soar,
As you lift and forgive me my fall.