I wish I could go back to that happy time. The one I found in my dreams. The one when you were all well, loving God Chasing after him, and I was by your side. We were together in our love for Him. The kids where happy, and I wasn’t so very scared, and scarred. When we were happy in my dreams.
Now all the dreams have come true but the dreamer ceased to dream, ceased to hope for so long. Other dreams awakened. Other hopes arose. Untamed thoughts of freedom, fantasies of escape. And all those dreams were set aside. Left to rot, and ruin and dust.
Why could I not hold on longer?
Why could I not hope longer?
Why did it all end before it began?
Why did I give up on you too soon?
Why do I see as one looking across a great expanse the girl I once was; the girl unafraid to have faith in the impossible?
I see you, good and holy.
I see the children, happy and loved by their Father.
I see me, looking upon all my answered prayers, and unable to hold them in my hands. Unable to touch the dreams of a girl I once was, but who is now a stranger to me.
Can I be her again? Or is this new woman, jaded and bruised by this world all I have left? Can Christ make my heart long again, for what I so long ago ceased to desire?
Unfaithful is my heart, unfaithful is my mind.
I have been betrayed by myself. I have let abundance of life, and happiness of family fall through my finger like sand. And now I choke upon the dust left in the wake of dreams my unfaithful heart left to decay.